And You And Your Child Will Be Much Happier

We are in the midst of an epidemic of anxious, depressed, sad, and suicidal kids and while screen usage and social media aren’t helping, I think the real problem here is overparenting.

Overparenting is fear-based parenting. We fear for our child’s safety and their success, so we shepherd them through life because we believe we can lead them unscathed into a happy adulthood. But it is the challenges, failures, and hard-won successes that will make them capable, resilient, and happy adults.

In her book, How To Raise An Adult, Break Free of The Overparenting Trap And Prepare Your Kid For Success, Julie Lythcott-Haims pieces together how the overparenting movement began and gives suggestions for how to stop it.

Ms. Lythcott-Haims traces the origins to a perfect storm of events that began brewing in the 1970s and 1980s. First, states began enacting seatbelt laws. This focus on safety made people believe that the world outside of their homes was hazardous.

Then in 1981, Adam Walsh was abducted and murdered. His dad, John, became an activist and lobbied Congress to create the National Center for Exploited and Missing Children, which was established in 1984. Then the National Child Safety Council launched the Missing Children Milk Carton Program, frightening a nation of parents and kids over their morning cereal. Not only was the physical world dangerous, so were the people in it.

In 1983, A Nation At Risk was published which said our kids weren’t competing academically with children around the world. So parents became more involved in every aspect of their kids’ educations. In the mid 1980s, women were entering the workforce in droves, so the playdate was born. Mom could schedule, attend, and referee her child’s play, taking away her kid’s opportunity to learn decision-making and interpersonal relationships.

According to psychologist and author, Dr. Madeline Levine, if are you overparenting your child, you are causing psychological harm. She suggests that when we overparent, “we deprive our kids of the opportunity to be creative, to problem solve, to develop coping skills, to build resilience, to figure out what makes them happy, to figure out who they are, in short, it deprives them of the chance to be human.”

Overparenting tells our child that we don’t trust them to do anything without us, that they are not capable human beings. I believe that this has led to our epidemic of depression, anxiety, and feelings of hopelessness among our children.

Here’s a little quiz to tell if you’re overparenting a child of any age:

Are you doing anything for your child that they can ALREADY do?
Are you doing anything for your child that they can ALMOST do?
Is your parenting behavior motivated by your own EGO?

How do we stop overparenting? By teaching our children age appropriate life skills, from tying their shoes to managing their money. This takes time and patience. They will make mistakes and you need to let them if you want them to grow into capable and happy adults. If you’re looking for some support, check out my Overparenting Recovery Group Facebook Page.